Chapter 21: We're only human [dreaming of death]

Have you ever had one of those "feeling off" sort of days because you had a terrible dream that your husband died & he had to wake you up in the middle of the night because you were crying in your sleep? =\ That's the kind of day that I had... My husband had to console me, wrap me in his arms, & kiss me, as I choked on my tears, gasped for air, & fumbled my speech while I tried to tell him about my dream & come back to reality.

It was around 4:20AM & it would be a joke to think I'd get any sleep after that. How could I after that nightmare I dreamt? All I could do was take comfort in being able to lay my head upon his chest & listen to his rhythmic heartbeat reminding me that he is alive. He's breathing. He's here.

All I could do was stare at his face, kiss him, & touch him to make sure that he was really there with me. The nightmare gave me an even greater sense of our mortality—of our little time here on Earth. I was reminded that life is short & that we need to ALWAYS cherish those "little things" & "little moments". I was reminded of just how deeply I love my husband & how I don't know what I would ever do without him.

I've always found it endearing when my husband would stir in his sleep & kiss me, pull me closer, or mumble that he loves me before falling back asleep—not remembering doing any of those things in the morning. After I woke up from my nightmare, when I thought back at those "little moments", it made me cry even harder that I started to hyperventilate. The sheer thought of him never doing those things again frightened me to the core. The thought of having to live without him hurt me like a knife being driven straight through my heart & twisted just for good measure.

I've only woken up crying from a dream a handful of times  in my life [always because someone I love had died in a dream] & it's one of the worst feelings. This time it felt even more real because I had woken up from a "dream" within my dream twice. It was like the movie "Inception".

In the 1st dream I woke up in bed & started writing/drawing on my arms the things & images/designs I wanted to remember. Then I told my husband how I was inspired in my dream & needed to write/draw it all out so I could remember them later. Then I fell back asleep.

In the 2nd dream, that was when my husband died. I woke up & found him dead beside me. He just stopped breathing. I was frantic & didn't know what to do! I staggered around to look for my phone & thought I should call my boss & let him know that I couldn't come into work that day & had to quit my job because my husband was dead & there was no way I'd be able to work anytime soon. Then I thought, "Should that really be my first call? What the heck am I supposed to do?!" That was when I completely lost it. I was angry with myself for not knowing who to call first [somehow the ambulance was already on their way. Not sure how that happened, but it was a dream.]. I was crying hysterically because the love of my life was dead. I then found myself angry with him for dying & leaving me all alone. I was angry because we had so many plans for our lives. Our lives had just begun! We were still so young! There were so many things we still wanted to do together. We didn't even get to have any children yet! I was furious. That led me into even more hysteria as I felt like an awful person for being angry with him because he was dead! It was the most bewildering feeling & there were so many emotions running through me. I just cried & screamed like crazy. I eagerly tried to kiss him like in those Disney Fairytales, hoping that my kiss would somehow magically bring him back to me. This was when my husband woke me up & told me that I was just dreaming.

I have never cried so much from a bad dream in my entire life. It felt like ages before I finally stopped. My husband had to soothe me & kept repeating that it was just a bad dream & that he was ok. I still haven't fully accepted death. Although it's inevitable, neither of us handle it very well & we can't barely stand the thought of any of our loved ones dying. It's a big fear of ours & we've both dealt with the death of family members. When we first started dating, my husband & I talked about death a few times & he could be brought to tears just thinking about me ever dying. He too has woken up crying after having a bad dream about me dying. Because of this, we made a silly "promise" to never die & we would avoid the topic of death. We made a deal that we'd live forever & that was that. Of course, we know this isn't possible, but it gave us some fictional comfort. Now as we & our loved ones are getting older, I start to worry more. Losing those dear to us is such a difficult concept to grasp & accept. I still struggle with the idea of it all. This is when I tell myself that worrying my life away is not the way to live.

A plan is always good to have. Goals are always good to set. Dreaming is always good to do. However, things don't always go as planned. Goals aren't always met when we want them to be met. And sometimes dreams will change. This is when we need to learn how to be flexible. To never take your life for granted. To take action instead of just thinking about taking action.

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." 

—Win Borden.

We can't get too tied down in these "plans" that we have for our lives, because God usually has something even bigger planned for us & that plan might be completely different than the one we've envisioned for ourselves. With that said, just enjoy your life & hang on to those you love, because we never know when our time is up here on this Earth. This nightmare that I had was a reminder for me to LIVE life to the fullest & to LOVE with great passion—all day & every day.